What Is The Best Joke You Have Ever Heard?
February 16, 2010
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Posted by admin
Take your time and write the best joke,riddles or funny stuff you heard in your life.Doesn’t matter if your first or second,I will read them all and give 10 points to whomever has the best joke.GOOD LUCK!
Categories: today's joke
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Tags: Best, Ever, Have, Heard, Joke, What
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Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.
All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it ……
He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house… thus, he never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.
He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a large Monastery. The Swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the Monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed…… and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
‘Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand… you could lose your ***.’
A man on a flight tries several times, unsuccessfully, to get the beautiful blonde next to him to talk to him. Finally, in frustration, he blurts out, “Why won’t you talk to me??” So she turns to him and says sweetly, “What would you like to talk about?” Smiling sarcastically, he replies, “How about nuclear physics?”
“Let’s start with a simple question,” the blond replies. “Why is it that rabbits poop small pellets, dogs poop long logs, and cows poop flat patties?” The man, confused, thinks on it a moment before admitting that he doesn’t know the answer.
The blond smiles and says, “Then how do you expect to discuss nuclear physics when you don’t know crap?”
“What happened here today?”
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
there are two olives, they are crossing the street, one olive gets ran over and the other olive says are you okay? and the second olive says: all live. ( as in olive )
there are three strings, and they are all thirsty. they decide to go into a bar but the bar has a sign that says no strings allowed. however the first one says i will get us some water. he goes in and the bar tender says your a string get out. he gets out and the second string says i will get us some. he walks in and the bar tender says: LEAVE! the sign says no strings allowed. so he goes outside and tells the other ones. the third string gets all mad and jumpy and said i will get us some water! he walks in and the bartender says: hey aren’t you a string? and he says no i’m afraid not.
( as in hes a string, turned in to a fr aid knot)
whats the only letter that knows how to use a saw?
R
( arkansas )
whats a cat say when it wants out of its kennel?
let meowt.
( as in let me out.)
Q: How do they make holy water?
A: They boil the hell out of it.
What do you call somebody elses cheese?
Na’Cho chesse
I have like a billion.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough” Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”
Dunno how many more questions i can ask so i’ll just keep updating the old ones with new jokes okay.
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”
“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“One” said the young salesman.
“Only one” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”
“No,” answered the salesman. “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,”Your weekend’s ******, you may as well go fishing.”
—————————————-…
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word,” She tells him,” Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I’LL DO THE ******* DISHES!!”
—————————————-…
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”.
Why should you have a big spoon when you are eating with the devil? Because the Devil will have a big fork.
There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, “Sir you need to zip that up. You aren’t supposed to pee in a public fountain like that” So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing hysterically. finally the cop says “What are you laughing at?” and the man says “I zipped it up but I didnt stop!”
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